Just Be

 “We don’t sit in meditation to be good meditators. We sit in meditation so that we will be more awake in our lives.” Pema Chodron

During times of grief, like that which I am experiencing now after the death of my father, there is an almost constant voice crying out: Do Something! 

And all my training, all my formation, all my experience whispers back: That is the wrong question. 

Again the counter voice: Don’t just sit there, do something!

And still small voice: Be still…be

I often turn to Pema Chodron in times of anxiety and uncertainty even though her answer seems to be: learn to be in the anxiety, in the uncertainty. I have in the past wanted to reject that difficult prescription. And yet persistent events of loss, deaths, pandemics, broken relationships, violence and injustice continue , beyond my control. So I try to shift my perspective away from the How can I fix it mode, toward the how can I simply be in this situation mode. Seems passive at first and counter to my upbringing until I realize the “should fix it” command isn’t working, isn’t even possible and more importantly takes my awareness away from what is possible. What is imaginable!

I have learned the real presence matters…and heals. The healing isn’t necessarily what I envision or desire; but the healing is organic and strong…even beautiful.

So even though I would love to be a “good meditator”, a good prayer, a good preacher, and good teacher, friend, mother, grandmother and spouse, the label of “good” may be most appreciated and wise when, like in creation, it is simply an acknowledgement of the moment, its inherent goodness, my being in it as fully as possible. 

The irony I am discovering is that being in the moment, being present, even when pain is very sharp and real, renders what is also always in the moment, love and grace abiding. 

There is a freedom in this presence.