Holiness in Wilderness

 

“Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness…an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.” brene brown

I rarely think about courage. I rarely think of myself as courageous. Recently, however, I am realizing that one of the most difficult and most courageous things I might be doing is venturing into the wilderness which is me, my true self. Shedding the certainties and securities I once thought were promised and yet disappointed, leaves me alone with myself. At first I scrambled to inhabit another certainty or to manufacture one. But slowly…so painfully slowly, I have, in retreat and contemplative prayer and therapy, discovered the wilderness of me and journeyed toward, even into, it. 

The irony of seeking acceptance elsewhere in accolade or opinion and finding glimpses of true belonging in the presence of self is powerful. So powerful that it can knock one off one’s rock!

I am finding, however, that it is more like a partial slip and scrambling back to my place can be challenging and enjoyable. 

I am now drawn to the line in Brene Brown’s quote “the wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not”. There is a holy freedom in letting go of control expectations and riding the rollercoaster of oneself. I rarely feel anything but holiness anymore. I still am uncertain that I am brave.